went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
