every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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