My friends, they love my intelligence
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
