Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
