Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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