My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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