I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
