when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
