don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
