Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
