Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
