Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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