all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
