guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
