if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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