so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
