Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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