he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
