Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
