There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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