I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
