Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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