I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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