Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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