I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
