My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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