My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
