So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
