so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
