Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
