I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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