Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize