capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
