my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
