sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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