I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
