I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
