drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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