phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
