you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
