and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
