I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
