i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
