I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
