forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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