I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
