Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
