How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
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