Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
