Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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