I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I cannot find my penis.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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