Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
