Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
