i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize