i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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