if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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