The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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