I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
