My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
