Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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