Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
