wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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